In a blur...

Well, It has been a while since i have taken some time to sit down and write. the problem is that i just don't have the time... I have a million things it seems like going on in my life. i have taken on a new job, kolbey has started pre school, i am working at the salon and working full time at a pediatric doctors office, my boyfriend has just deployed, i am in a mean custody battle with my ex, i will soon be getting my divorce, im about to be drug threw court, my best friend is still away but hopefully moving home soon. And with all that said i still have to make time to be the best mom i can be and a single mom at that. life is hard right now, im still trying to figure out exactly what i want and where i see my future. i just wish i could pause my life and just take a breath and sit and watch myself. sometimes you need to see things from the outside looking in.  sometimes i think i know exactly what i want and who i want to share it with and then the next minute i am just in a blur? the only thing i know is that i want to be the best mom that i can be and i want to be independent and continue to be a hard worker. i feel like i don't have a real life besides just working and seeing kol, sometimes i feel like i need to come up for air. i know at the end of the day, it is all worth it. i have an amazing little man who i pray i can mold into a wonderful man someday. i want nothing in the world but joy for him and to be his band-aid when he needs me. hes what im sure about. i want to go to bed and wake up to him knowing hes loved and safe. my heart is soooo screwed up when it comes to guys but my heart excepts kolbey's love. this divorce and deployment at the same time has been a tremendous burden on me. i have emotions on both sides. i have a lot of regrets with my marriage that i am trying to emotionally work out with myself. i have worked out what i could with my ex verbally and expressed how i feel and how ive felt but now its time to allow myself to heel and learn how to feel again. the holidays are so hard! i love cute traditions and all ive ever wanted was my own family to share them with. last yr myself and my ex had split up but we still did Halloween together in sc where his family lives and then for christmas kols dad came over and we put kol to sleep and got the house ready for santa, his dad went home and the next day kol woke up like nothing was different. i cry all the time thinking of how things will forever be different. all i wanted was a family, my own family. i suppose i sometimes think as the glass being half empty instead of being halfway full. i think its easier to have never loved rather than to have loved and lost? i know how it felt to have the family. to wake up in your pj's christmas morning and sit as a family and enjoy each other. to do everything together... i used to just sit and watch the boys sleep, it was just a sweet peaceful feeling... i think about all these things and it breaks my heart, but you can't live in your past. there was so many things going wrong and they have came to a point where they can not be fixed. so now we live different lives and keep very different memories. when i try to think about the past i just take a deep breath and remember not to look back. you can only move forward if your looking ahead.... i was doing everything i could last holiday season to try and not think about the past but i tried to stay numb and this will be my first, i guess you could say "sober holiday" since we split up and i am trying my best to stay positive, its just sooo hard. i have to live with the fact that i didnt fight for the "family", i was young and dumb and we just went our separate paths. now we have different hopes and dreams and no matter what no one should ever change there dreams to please someone elses. so today is the day i continue to move forward and get on with my life. im ready for the emotional handcuffs to be lifted. i am just emotionally exhausted, its not fair to shay. i try to be his cheerleader and be there for him but i feel like i am stretched so thin. i will stand by him 100% during this deployment, he shouldn't have to worry about me while he's gone. so during this deployment my plan is to evaluate my life and try to find out who i am and what i want in life and then go get it! we will see how it goes but im not stopping til i find out.... 
thats all for now
<3 Kellie

i'm back!!!!!

He is deploying tomorrow:/ So I guess blogger just became my new best friend...

two weeks!

Two weeks after myself and Kol flew home we picked the bf up from the airport. He had safely landed in Charlotte NC and we were  ready to see him! We picked him up them immediately went to my bestie who was also on leave, little boys birthday party. we had fun there but we were ready to get home and just relax with him. Alot went on, we took him to carowinds amusement park a few times, fished, went to pigeon forge tn, hung out with my family, I met his family for the first time and vice verse. We really had a great time and I didn't want it to end. Kol has really missed him :/ He left yesterday and since he's been gone Kolbey has been hell on wheels! Im hoping with him starting preschool tomorrow it will get his mind off Shay being back in NY. He spent 22 days with me and a a few of those with his family. I was really getting used to being around him. He will deploy soon so IDK when we will see him again.... 

TOO LONG>>>

WOW it has been way too long! Long story short, I had an amazing time in NY visiting my friends and boyfriend. As you know he was out of state training and myself and my little boy wanted to surprise him on post when he arrived back to NY. We arrived to NY from NC on that Saturday and my bestie who lives on post picked me up in Syracuse and we had a fun filled shopping day planned! Just a little back tracking... at that time I had not spoken to Shay in a good while and was starting to get a little upset and worried. :/ Keep in mind if it's not stressful enough dating and living almost 900 miles away from one another then him training on and off the entire time we've been together is. Everything is pre-deployment training right now so its been super busy with his unit on post. OK back to my story... So we went to the mall, myself the bestie her two kids and mine. CRAZY yes we know ;) as we are in Victoria Secret the phone call ive been waiting for starts to sound! It was him!!!! I didn't want to give away that I was with Jada so I pretty much short answered everything and blew him off! Totally not what I wanted to do but it just came off that way. He actually told the guys he was worried that something was going on with me. So. That was Saturday and we got word Monday that the bf would be on the first flight out which was supposed to be Thursday. I woke up Wed am and one of the army wives i have talked to alot since her hub is with my bf told me that Shay was on an airplane headed back and he should be there in a few hours! I was jumping like a child!!! So nervous but so excited! Lunch rolls around and he should have already been back to post and no word... so at 7pm i was going crazy and he text me and said lets skype! i asked how he was getting to skype and he said that he was home and he wanted to surprise me by skyping a day early. Little did he know i was about 5 min down the road from him! I told him to hang on so I could get my skype situated. He knows I dont have skype on my phone so i logged on to my besties phone, checked in at the barracks and skyped him from in the hallway at the barracks! We skyped for a few min and i knocked on the door. The look on his face was priceless!!!!! hehehe We hugged for the longest time it felt great. Then we left and I introduced him to my little man. Kolbey loved him from the beginning  I could tell from the both of them that they really loved each other. We went to Riverfest, Mountainfest, Family day, fishing, shopping and more. We really made some great memories and had an amazing time! 

and the Planning begins!

I'm feeling a little down because I haven't talked to shay in a while and Jada and Cheyenne have talked to there guys. I know he's busy but common! :/ We fly out in 3 days and I'm really excited about going! Me and Jada were talking late last night and decided that we are going to play a little game with Shay when he comes home. I am going to send him on a scavenger hunt to find me! I am going to send him places where we have made memories together and leave him clues on where to go next... One example is: 

CLUE #3

The first place we shared a dance

and started a romance.

There is a vehicle in front that never moves,

inside of it you will find your next clue.

I think it is going to be alot of fun and he will end up meeting Kol that way... His last clue will read:

CLUE #5

Go over to where we played and there is just one more for you,

It's someone who has been waiting to meet you and hopes you want to meet too.

He is a handsome little boy who is dressed in Blue,

and that is your very last clue....

I hope all goes well, I will keep you posted on the progress of this little plan<3 But I think it is a neat little idea and I really hope he appreciates the effort im making to make it special!

I work all day today, and tomorrow. Off Friday to pack the rest of our bags and getting everything in order then working Saturday up until time to leave for the airport! I can't wait!!!

#4days

Four days and counting! I am getting so anxious! I can't wait to get to the airport! Even if I can't see my man for a few days I can't wait to see my bestie and let our kids play together! They have never really gotten to play with each other because of Jada moving with the Army. But I hope Shay will be there soon! I need my man! I miss him so much it makes my heart hurt. I know me and Jada will stay busy with the kids and hopefully have beautiful weather but I can't wait to see Shays face and just be in his arms! I love him! I'm off today, I will be cleaning, packing, getting my hair done and tanning then working Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday before we get on the plane!
#day4

Counting down...

I received a text 12 days ago from my love. In all, he sent 3 texts... 5 days ago I received a 12 minute phone call at 11:26pm from him. I am in desperate need to talk to my man... Actually talk to him. No time frames and simple texts. I miss him soooo much! I've already started packing for my visit to New York. I can't wait to get there! It's so hard living here and loving so much there. :/ I miss my best friend too :( I love her so much... I'm not sure when the guys are going to come home but I'm flying out in 5 days and hopefully me and Jada will at least get some girl time for a day or so. But im so anxious to see Shays face when he sees Kolbey's face for the first time. I am really trying not to get a picture in my mind of how I want it to be because I don't want to be let down.... I guess we will see! I just can't wait!!! But for the rest of the week... Work all day tomorrow and hopefully tan, Tuesday off and possibly taking my little guy to carowinds and work on my tan. Wednesday work all day, same Thursday. Friday I'm off, i'm planning on cleaning my car and packing it up because I have a early work day at the salon Saturday am then immediately leaving for the airport! I'm so excited!!! Not so much nervous but excited!!! I'll keep you posted! Long day tomorrow! #day5

Surprise!!!!

OK So I've been holding back a little! I am planning a visit to Fort Drum for when my man comes home from JRTC! Also I am bringing my little man along! He's so excited about flying and I am so excited about the entire experience. Shay will meet Kol for the first time and I think I had mentioned that we were going but we moved up our dates and we are going in less than a week!!! Me and Jada will be able to have some girl time before the guys get home which will be great! I love her so much... Also, I have made a new friend at Drum. She is one of the soldiers I already knows wife. I've heard alot of bad things about her but we have made similar mistakes so I am not going to judge her. I am willing to get to know her and see how this plays out. My inner self says somethings up with it but I'm telling it to shut up and lets move on! So this will be an exciting week. I'm focusing on cleaning up the house, working as much as possible, and packing for our trip!!! 6 days and counting! <3 I can't wait to see his face when he finds out we are there! I really hope that everyone will keep it a secret so it can be a surprise!!!!!!! fingers crossed

HE CALLED!!!!

Yay!!! Me and the little man went to Carowinds all day today and had a blast... I got burnt!! But besides all that, we went shopping afterward and I was in retail heaven with this cute little store I shop at in NY that we just got local. Anyways, I was trying on a ton of clothes with my WILD three year old and I heard my phone ringing. I ignored it because Shay has never called me since he's been gone only one text so I didn't think it would be him so lucky me it was and I missed it!!! I almost threw up when I seen that I had missed it! I called his Sgt back and he wasn't with Shay. But later on he called back! We only got to talk for 12 min but we caught up enough for now! :) Just wanted to update!!! <3 him

jrtc update...

Well, there's not much to update about. He has been gone since late Saturday night of last week, he texted me to tell me had landed (Sunday) Then he texted me Wednesday from his Sgts phone to tell me he was doing well and ask about me and Kol, he told me he loved me and that was one week ago today. What he doesn't know is that I am planning a surprise visit for when he arrives home! I'm excited and a little nervous about it but the kicker is that im taking my little man with me! Shay hasn't met Kolbey yet and there is alot of fun festivals and events going on so me and Kol will be New York bound in a little over two weeks! I'm so excited and I think I've played it in my head a million times. If he is home by the time I get there I am going to ask him to Skype to get him inside his room. Then I'm going to knock on his door and say "Hey there sunshine" and after the greeting tell them there is someone I would like him to meet. Then introduce him to Kol. I really hope it goes as well as I have planned but only time will tell. Enough of that tonight, I am tired and have a busy day at Carowinds theme park with my lil man in the am! Good night...

Reflecting:

I miss him #jrtcblah

Well, the babe sent me text early Sunday morning saying that he arrived in Louisiana and he had a two hour bus ride to the post. Since then I haven't heard a peep... I've texted a few times just to let him know he's on my mind and I sent him some pictures by email to keep him updated on normal life my way. But I still haven't heard anything. It would be nice to get a quick phone call or text. Jada's husband is with Shay they just left at different times and he texts Jada all throughout the day so I'm a little down about that. I prepared myself not to hear from him but now that Jadas been getting phone calls and text I'm starting to wonder. Well, Ive had a long weekend of planting flowers, decorating the outside of my house and now back to work tomorrow :/ Im ready to get back to the salon but I would like to spend one more day with my little guy but I guess there's always Sunday. It's going to be a busy week... Here's a few pics on the updates on the house... New decor, fire pit, flowers, I made a wreath!!! <3

rug, umbrella, tiki torches, firepit

when they finish blooming they will all be RED WHITE & BLUE

new wreath <3 i love it

pooped from all the yard work

kolbey and molly

roasting marshmallows with the love bug

Snap chattin'

New bathing suit and the funny thing is im skyping with the love but he cant see the bathing suit bc of the lighting lol so im just being silly on my own ;)

Memorial weekend cookout

Cook out wit the family then good bye to the boy friend. Shay received his orders and he will be out of town training for 4 - 6 weeks :/ Little to no contact with me. It makes me sad but it prepares us both for deployment physically and emotionally. 

The cookout was fun but come to an end around 7pm because I had to rush home and skype with the hunny. It seems to get a little easier every time he leaves. It probably wont in the morning when I dont have my typical good morning text, thats going to suck...

Here is a few Memorial Day weekend memories...

my little man

Kids eating corn

The newest addition to our family Mr. Kamdin... My cousins baby

chloe and kolbey 

the lil crew... Me and kolbey, auntie kim, chloe and nikki

Memories

It's Memorial Day weekend and im just looking back at my Army memories

Alexandria Bay

Memories from Alexandria Bay