In a blur...

Well, It has been a while since i have taken some time to sit down and write. the problem is that i just don't have the time... I have a million things it seems like going on in my life. i have taken on a new job, kolbey has started pre school, i am working at the salon and working full time at a pediatric doctors office, my boyfriend has just deployed, i am in a mean custody battle with my ex, i will soon be getting my divorce, im about to be drug threw court, my best friend is still away but hopefully moving home soon. And with all that said i still have to make time to be the best mom i can be and a single mom at that. life is hard right now, im still trying to figure out exactly what i want and where i see my future. i just wish i could pause my life and just take a breath and sit and watch myself. sometimes you need to see things from the outside looking in.  sometimes i think i know exactly what i want and who i want to share it with and then the next minute i am just in a blur? the only thing i know is that i want to be the best mom that i can be and i want to be independent and continue to be a hard worker. i feel like i don't have a real life besides just working and seeing kol, sometimes i feel like i need to come up for air. i know at the end of the day, it is all worth it. i have an amazing little man who i pray i can mold into a wonderful man someday. i want nothing in the world but joy for him and to be his band-aid when he needs me. hes what im sure about. i want to go to bed and wake up to him knowing hes loved and safe. my heart is soooo screwed up when it comes to guys but my heart excepts kolbey's love. this divorce and deployment at the same time has been a tremendous burden on me. i have emotions on both sides. i have a lot of regrets with my marriage that i am trying to emotionally work out with myself. i have worked out what i could with my ex verbally and expressed how i feel and how ive felt but now its time to allow myself to heel and learn how to feel again. the holidays are so hard! i love cute traditions and all ive ever wanted was my own family to share them with. last yr myself and my ex had split up but we still did Halloween together in sc where his family lives and then for christmas kols dad came over and we put kol to sleep and got the house ready for santa, his dad went home and the next day kol woke up like nothing was different. i cry all the time thinking of how things will forever be different. all i wanted was a family, my own family. i suppose i sometimes think as the glass being half empty instead of being halfway full. i think its easier to have never loved rather than to have loved and lost? i know how it felt to have the family. to wake up in your pj's christmas morning and sit as a family and enjoy each other. to do everything together... i used to just sit and watch the boys sleep, it was just a sweet peaceful feeling... i think about all these things and it breaks my heart, but you can't live in your past. there was so many things going wrong and they have came to a point where they can not be fixed. so now we live different lives and keep very different memories. when i try to think about the past i just take a deep breath and remember not to look back. you can only move forward if your looking ahead.... i was doing everything i could last holiday season to try and not think about the past but i tried to stay numb and this will be my first, i guess you could say "sober holiday" since we split up and i am trying my best to stay positive, its just sooo hard. i have to live with the fact that i didnt fight for the "family", i was young and dumb and we just went our separate paths. now we have different hopes and dreams and no matter what no one should ever change there dreams to please someone elses. so today is the day i continue to move forward and get on with my life. im ready for the emotional handcuffs to be lifted. i am just emotionally exhausted, its not fair to shay. i try to be his cheerleader and be there for him but i feel like i am stretched so thin. i will stand by him 100% during this deployment, he shouldn't have to worry about me while he's gone. so during this deployment my plan is to evaluate my life and try to find out who i am and what i want in life and then go get it! we will see how it goes but im not stopping til i find out.... 
thats all for now
<3 Kellie